I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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