yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
try to milk me bitch
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