batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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