just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
