His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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