highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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