I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
