She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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