i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
