Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
