I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
