Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We left the knife in your bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
