Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
