Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
