Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
