That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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