Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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