he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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