Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
