i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
