On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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