I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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