I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
