Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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