You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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