I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
