Don't you send me to vm
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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