Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
