I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
so much tequila, so little girl.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
