Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
