Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
