You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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