just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
