I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
