i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
