Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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