Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
