I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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