Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
