Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
