I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
