**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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