Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
