he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
