Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
