she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
