I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It's official drugs can't kill me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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