i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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