you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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