you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
