Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
